Old Beginnings and Awkward Closeted Adolescent David

(written 5/17)

I'm in Singapore right now, living at my grandparents' apartment.  It is unfortunately not air conditioned, and Singapore is right above the equator, so it's basically like Houston's humid heat right now.  Reminiscent of the weeks I spent in Beijing at my aunt's new apartment the summer after high school which also did not have air conditioning.  Thank goodness for electric fans though!

As I moved onto this new blog, I remembered that I had an old blog on my old Blogger account that my college friends don't know about.  It was my first serious blog, 50 posts chronicling the summer before my freshman year up to the spring of my sophomore year.  95% of it is about Chris, the first crush I had on a guy.

I was reading some of the posts earlier today, and they reminded me of why I don't share that blog.  Awkward adolescent David is just so... awkward.  So painfully needy.  And so obsessed.  (not much has changed!  haha.  but actually.  Although I'm probably a bit better in each category.  And I don't show it that much).  I was very honest on that blog--while I eventually gave the address for some people to read (Chris being one of them... why did you do that David.  Y U SO AWKWARD.), my emotions were all out there, and they were annoyingly all out there.  But I suppose when your primary audience is just yourself and getting out your feelings, that doesn't really matter if it's annoying.  Heck, I remember all the feelings being annoying to myself back then.

In my recent throes of "ugh, I hate being gay," it sometimes becomes hard to remember what pre-out David was like.  What was going through that middle school/high school brain of his?  This blog gives me a perfect glimpse.

The most poignant are the times when I call myself a sicko because I have a crush on a guy.  Or when I talk about having a crush and then ask three of my friends what they would say if it was a guy.  I posted the three conversations I had with three different people.

(ooh, AIM.  the nostalgia!  I'll censor out their usernames, but Hanirost is me)

In talking about my crush with M-:

M- (9:45:11 PM): Female is 99.99%
Hanirost (9:45:21 PM): lol... what about the .01%?
M- (9:45:25 PM): lol
M- (9:45:30 PM): you never really know........
M- (9:45:31 PM): lol
M- (9:45:32 PM): jk
Hanirost (9:45:37 PM): what would you say if i fell in love with a guy?
M- (9:45:55 PM): hmm
M- (9:45:57 PM): i would say
M- (9:46:08 PM): WHERE MY UNIVERSE???
Hanirost (9:46:10 PM): OMG, DAVID, what the heck is wrong with you?!?
M- (9:46:13 PM): but with a S
Hanirost (9:46:16 PM): something like that?
Hanirost (9:46:17 PM): lol
M- (9:46:18 PM): yea
M- (9:46:20 PM): pretty much
Hanirost (9:46:24 PM): hm
M- (9:46:24 PM): actually
M- (9:46:26 PM): female
M- (9:46:27 PM): 100%
M- (9:46:30 PM): revised probability
Hanirost (9:46:33 PM): lol
M- (9:46:38 PM): lol


yeah... so i can't tell M-... sorry, dude.

Conversation with D-:

Hanirost (10:11:17 PM): anyways, did you want me to tell you why i like finding out who people like and how their relationship is going with them?
p- (10:11:28 PM): yea
Hanirost (10:11:31 PM): oh, were you gonna go?
p- (10:11:32 PM): why is that
Hanirost (10:11:36 PM): lol
p- (10:11:40 PM): soon
p- (10:11:42 PM): but not now
Hanirost (10:12:15 PM): i guess a part of it might be that i'm looking for advice or help in my own life
Hanirost (10:12:30 PM): plus it's fun to tease people
p- (10:13:11 PM): lol...
p- (10:13:20 PM): here's what i think david
p- (10:13:26 PM): if u had a gf now
p- (10:13:30 PM): u 2 would be married by now
p- (10:13:39 PM): cuz u r soo good with them
p- (10:13:50 PM): lol
Hanirost (10:13:53 PM): lol, what do you mean by good with them?
p- (10:13:59 PM): cuz
p- (10:14:08 PM): ur personality fits well
p- (10:14:14 PM): u r nice, considerate, compassionate
p- (10:14:18 PM): all that stuffs
Hanirost (10:14:23 PM): awe, thanks
Hanirost (10:14:38 PM): but then again, those are usually considered more effeminate?
Hanirost (10:14:46 PM): maybe a guy suits me better.... >_<
p- (10:14:55 PM): haha
p- (10:14:59 PM): oh no u better not turn gay
p- (10:15:09 PM): u'd make b- happier!
p- (10:15:09 PM): oh man
Hanirost (10:15:10 PM): lol, what would you say if i had fallen in love with a guy
Hanirost (10:15:16 PM): haha, whatever
p- (10:15:21 PM): what would i say?
p- (10:15:32 PM): idk, i'd just be happy for u 2
Hanirost (10:15:32 PM): like, WHAT THE CRAP IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?
p- (10:15:35 PM): just like if u had a gf?
p- (10:15:39 PM): whats the difference
Hanirost (10:15:42 PM): lol
p- (10:15:48 PM): well
p- (10:15:53 PM): actually ur officially christian
p- (10:15:54 PM): so u wouldn't do that

Mmph.... guess i can't tell him either?
He did say that he'd be happy for me. I, on the other hand, would probably be judgemental towards someone if they told me they fell in love with a person of the same gender.
I guess this feeling towards Chris shows me a bit of how horrible i am. That's kinda cool.

Oh man, oh man, what am i gonna do?
I suppose i'll just have to shut up.


hmmm... actually, after thinking about it a little... maybe i could tell him. If i really, desperately needed to tell someone, i guess D- would be one of my first choices. Although actually using Chris' name and talking about him makes everything seem so much more real.

(^awww, D- is so sweet now that I look back at this.  And he did say that he'd be happy for me.)


In talking with J- about my crush:

d- (8:39:45 PM): but if you miss someone just call 'em!
Hanirost (8:39:55 PM): but they're so busy
Hanirost (8:40:00 PM): i don't want to waste their time
d- (8:40:09 PM): so you want to depress yourself?
d- (8:40:16 PM): they have enought time to just take one phone call!
d- (8:40:18 PM): right?
d- (8:40:25 PM): how about a visit?
d- (8:40:29 PM): like on a weekend
d- (8:40:36 PM): ok, have a get together this summer
d- (8:40:42 PM): seriously
d- (8:40:53 PM): and when i say seriously i'm seirous
d- (8:40:55 PM): seriously
d- (8:40:57 PM):
Hanirost (8:41:55 PM): hmm... i'll sacrifice my happiness for theirs i suppose
d- (8:42:04 PM): like are they always somewhere
Hanirost (8:42:06 PM): they're probably happier this way
d- (8:42:11 PM): ...you said you were happier
d- (8:42:20 PM): does SHE like you?
d- (8:42:22 PM): she right?
d- (8:42:48 PM): i don't think so
d- (8:42:55 PM): i mean i don't think they're happier this way
d- (8:42:59 PM): sure they're probably fine
d- (8:43:04 PM): but they haven't forgotten about yoU!
Hanirost (8:43:52 PM): hm... i suppose
Hanirost (8:44:14 PM): and does the person like me the way i like them, is that what you mean?
Hanirost (8:44:32 PM): then, no, of course not
Hanirost (8:44:38 PM): haha, do you think it's a guy?
d- (8:44:40 PM): well that's ok
d- (8:44:53 PM): no i said i think SHE'S a girl
d- (8:44:54 PM): right?
d- (8:44:59 PM): if i'm wrong it's not my fault
d- (8:45:01 PM): so ha
Hanirost (8:45:02 PM): lol, what would you say if i fell in love with a guy?
d- (8:45:02 PM):
d- (8:45:09 PM): ur gay
d- (8:45:13 PM): and i don't even say gay
d- (8:45:18 PM): cause i think it's a bad word
d- (8:45:20 PM): if you ask me


lol, alright, J-.
Man, i'm like asking everyone this question... how pathetic.
hm... looks like i can't tell her either though.
I'll just have to wait this out with God.


And wait it out with God I did.  I did eventually tell a few people about Chris, but that still didn't change how I viewed my sexual orientation (although I at one point did tell Chris that I wasn't sure what my orientation is).

I remember feeling guilty that I was basically setting my friends up to respond with shock/negativity because I hadn't ever really hinted that it was a guy and they probably thought I was joking  (Awkward David moment:  I think I eventually gave them all access to this blog where I have their convos posted.  They did feel horrible about what they said).  In retrospect, however, I feel that asking those questions is a perfectly reasonable thing for a closeted person to do when they're trying to test the waters.

It's interesting that I thought that everyone was going to respond with, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??" ... man, talk about that internalized homophobia.

Those are the times when I wish I could give my past self a big hug...

Just kidding...

So I realized that I can just add my new Gmail account as an author to my old blog.  For continuity's sake, I'll just keep blogging on my old blog.  BUT, for you faithful followers, I'll be sure to post something here if you guys are really that interested in my life, haha.  =)

New Blog!

A switch to a different Gmail address means a new blog.
For continuity's sake, here's my old blogspot and here's my tumblr that I still use.